Repentance and Rest
"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. . ." (Is 30:15)
This week, I had to appear in court to declare my 18-year-old son incompetent--I had filed a three page document answering questions as to his ability to feed and dress himself, understand things like language and money and danger. I had been dreading this moment for awhile. His geneticist persuaded me to petition the court a few weeks prior to his 18th birthday, so for the past couple of years it has been in the back of my mind, always a reminder of what his special birthday will mean. I guess similar to the way a child's high school graduation settles in the back of the minds of parents of seniors.
But the past few months, the thought has been heavy. It's like my emotional center has been shut down. I haven't been able to contemplate, to meditate. I've just been in motion. I've felt a little like the woman whom Oliver Saks in his book, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, calls the "disembodied lady." She had a malfunctioning proprioceptive system. Proprioception, often considered the sixth sense, is the system of muscles, tendons, and joints that give a person an awareness of body position. Saks writes, "She has succeeded in operating, but not in being. . .[lacking] proprioception that vital sixth sense without which a body must remain unreal, unpossessed."
I have been merely operating, keeping busy enough not to have to be completely present in my current reality. Put on the water for my tea, start laundry, read my Bible, pray, unload and load the dishwasher, get the eldest ready for school and on the bus, feed the younger children, teach the children, prepare supper. Make lists for all the extras and find time to do them somehow. Rhythm is measured motion. I have been staying afloat by measuring out my movements, trying to love the pattern, appreciate the repetition, relax in the routine.
In court, the judge smiled down on me and told me I had been given a gift. My son was my blessing. That she wanted me to do what I needed to do to care for this precious gift. She had meant to encourage me, to acknowledge the beauty in a situation that is often not very beautiful. Incontinence, helplessness, and mental incapacity are not gifts after all.
What she actually did is frustrate me. Yes, my child is a blessing. I do acknowledge that. As I cleaned him up today at school having taken him to the car only to discover he needed changing in a big way, an ordeal which made us 30 minutes late to his second appointment in Chapel Hill this week, he leaned over and kissed me on the top of my head, and said, "Thank you!" to me for having done this for him. He is always grateful, always. But what meant more to me than the judge's words were those of a mother whose child has extraordinary needs. "It's just difficult. People just don't know how hard it really is, what we have to go through."
We had a scheduled revival at our church this week. For me, it has been a time of true personal revival. I have been given a new understanding of 1 John 1:9. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of ALL unrighteousness."
When I am in the car by myself or just with D, I usually flip between a Christian radio station and NPR. One advertising spot on K-Love has been bothering me. It's a segment called "Behind the Music" or something where artists/songwriters explain their song lyrics. Anyway, I'm not even sure what the song is or who the artist is, but he says this: "When I break my chain of seven consecutive sinless days. . ." maybe I am a terrible person, but I have not had seven consecutive sinless days EVER. Perhaps I misheard and please feel free to correct me if you know the song or what the guy is actually saying. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've not had a sinless half-hour.
But back to revival services, what I learned is that if we confess our sins--those that we know of--that, according to 1 John 1:9, God will do the most amazing thing: He will cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness. Even those sins of which we are unaware, those we don't know about. I've never thought of it like that--what a gracious and merciful God!
I've been reading in Isaiah lately:
"O LORD, be gracious to us; we long for you.
Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." (33:2)
"For the LORD is our judge, the LORD is our lawgiver, the LORD is our king; it is he who will save us." (33:22)
And another Isaiah 30:18, "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"
Revival has also been an opportunity for me to be blessed by D and his participation in the services. He led the clapping for our guest musicians almost every night. He raised his hands in praise a couple of times when Jesus and salvation were mentioned during the sermon. Did I mention that we are Presbyterians, who normally don't clap or raise hands in worship? :)
It's like D is so moved and because he can't sing, "Victory in Jesus" like the rest of us, his body has got to do what his voice can't. He stood up during "He sought me and bought me with his redeeming blood" and started walking to the front of the church. The boy was overcome with gratitude and joy because "He loved me e'er I knew Him and all my love is due Him. He plunged me to VICTORY beneath the cleansing flood!" My boy was saying "yeah" and clapping as he went. When a visiting choir sang "How Great is Our God" followed by "How Great Thou Art" D clapped during the first song, and when it switched to How Great Thou Art, he simply stood. His face glowed and his eyes told me that he wanted to praise God with every atom. I didn't try to get him to sit. I could tell from his expression, he had to stand.
Our schedule is not slowing down anytime soon, so I will continue to move along with the rhythm of each day, but gratefully, I don't feel untethered and am becoming more fully present. The moment I had been dreading has passed, I am D's guardian, and Jesus is his Savior. What more do I need? With repentance, I can rest. In quiet, I can trust. Christ is my victory and strength.
This week, I had to appear in court to declare my 18-year-old son incompetent--I had filed a three page document answering questions as to his ability to feed and dress himself, understand things like language and money and danger. I had been dreading this moment for awhile. His geneticist persuaded me to petition the court a few weeks prior to his 18th birthday, so for the past couple of years it has been in the back of my mind, always a reminder of what his special birthday will mean. I guess similar to the way a child's high school graduation settles in the back of the minds of parents of seniors.
But the past few months, the thought has been heavy. It's like my emotional center has been shut down. I haven't been able to contemplate, to meditate. I've just been in motion. I've felt a little like the woman whom Oliver Saks in his book, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, calls the "disembodied lady." She had a malfunctioning proprioceptive system. Proprioception, often considered the sixth sense, is the system of muscles, tendons, and joints that give a person an awareness of body position. Saks writes, "She has succeeded in operating, but not in being. . .[lacking] proprioception that vital sixth sense without which a body must remain unreal, unpossessed."
I have been merely operating, keeping busy enough not to have to be completely present in my current reality. Put on the water for my tea, start laundry, read my Bible, pray, unload and load the dishwasher, get the eldest ready for school and on the bus, feed the younger children, teach the children, prepare supper. Make lists for all the extras and find time to do them somehow. Rhythm is measured motion. I have been staying afloat by measuring out my movements, trying to love the pattern, appreciate the repetition, relax in the routine.
In court, the judge smiled down on me and told me I had been given a gift. My son was my blessing. That she wanted me to do what I needed to do to care for this precious gift. She had meant to encourage me, to acknowledge the beauty in a situation that is often not very beautiful. Incontinence, helplessness, and mental incapacity are not gifts after all.
What she actually did is frustrate me. Yes, my child is a blessing. I do acknowledge that. As I cleaned him up today at school having taken him to the car only to discover he needed changing in a big way, an ordeal which made us 30 minutes late to his second appointment in Chapel Hill this week, he leaned over and kissed me on the top of my head, and said, "Thank you!" to me for having done this for him. He is always grateful, always. But what meant more to me than the judge's words were those of a mother whose child has extraordinary needs. "It's just difficult. People just don't know how hard it really is, what we have to go through."
We had a scheduled revival at our church this week. For me, it has been a time of true personal revival. I have been given a new understanding of 1 John 1:9. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of ALL unrighteousness."
When I am in the car by myself or just with D, I usually flip between a Christian radio station and NPR. One advertising spot on K-Love has been bothering me. It's a segment called "Behind the Music" or something where artists/songwriters explain their song lyrics. Anyway, I'm not even sure what the song is or who the artist is, but he says this: "When I break my chain of seven consecutive sinless days. . ." maybe I am a terrible person, but I have not had seven consecutive sinless days EVER. Perhaps I misheard and please feel free to correct me if you know the song or what the guy is actually saying. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've not had a sinless half-hour.
But back to revival services, what I learned is that if we confess our sins--those that we know of--that, according to 1 John 1:9, God will do the most amazing thing: He will cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness. Even those sins of which we are unaware, those we don't know about. I've never thought of it like that--what a gracious and merciful God!
I've been reading in Isaiah lately:
Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." (33:2)
"For the LORD is our judge, the LORD is our lawgiver, the LORD is our king; it is he who will save us." (33:22)
And another Isaiah 30:18, "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"
Revival has also been an opportunity for me to be blessed by D and his participation in the services. He led the clapping for our guest musicians almost every night. He raised his hands in praise a couple of times when Jesus and salvation were mentioned during the sermon. Did I mention that we are Presbyterians, who normally don't clap or raise hands in worship? :)
It's like D is so moved and because he can't sing, "Victory in Jesus" like the rest of us, his body has got to do what his voice can't. He stood up during "He sought me and bought me with his redeeming blood" and started walking to the front of the church. The boy was overcome with gratitude and joy because "He loved me e'er I knew Him and all my love is due Him. He plunged me to VICTORY beneath the cleansing flood!" My boy was saying "yeah" and clapping as he went. When a visiting choir sang "How Great is Our God" followed by "How Great Thou Art" D clapped during the first song, and when it switched to How Great Thou Art, he simply stood. His face glowed and his eyes told me that he wanted to praise God with every atom. I didn't try to get him to sit. I could tell from his expression, he had to stand.
 |
| I cannot wait to hear this boy sing in heaven! |
Our schedule is not slowing down anytime soon, so I will continue to move along with the rhythm of each day, but gratefully, I don't feel untethered and am becoming more fully present. The moment I had been dreading has passed, I am D's guardian, and Jesus is his Savior. What more do I need? With repentance, I can rest. In quiet, I can trust. Christ is my victory and strength.
This is a beautiful and inspiring post. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
ReplyDelete